Even Chris Columbus Wouldn't Be Able to Save Rumored Cursed Child Movie

I recently wished a fervent Avada Kedavra on the idea of a Harry Potter reboot, but maybe my curse should have been more specific.

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child – an extremely mediocre play with extremely impressive visual effects – might be making its way to the big screen.

Warner Brothers wants a hit of that Harry Potter goodness (and by goodness I mean money), and they're not waiting for The Secrets of Dumbledore to be cold in its stupid, soulless grave.

Harry Potter and The Cursed Child takes place 19 years after the events of The Deathly Hallows. Harry and his pals are grownups with grownup problems, and their kids are off to Hogwarts.

Disaster strikes when (I assume) someone watches a YouTube video and asks the question we've all been asking since Prisoner of Azkaban: what if Voldemort had a time-turner?

Turns out: spooky things! Evil things! Also we learn that if brilliant, wonderful Hermione Granger had never married Ron she would have given up on her Ministry dreams and become a bitter spinster teacher.

And kind, loyal Cedric Diggory is capable of going full Death Eater. And Harry is a bad dad. Oh, also Voldemort made sweet, snakey love to Bellatrix Lestrange at some point during Order of the Phoenix and made a baby.

And several other plot points to make you think, "I spent how much money on this theater ticket?"

Director Christopher Columbus, who helmed the first two Harry Potter movies, has expressed interest in bringing Cursed Child to the big screen (in two chapters, natch).

But as beloved as his HP chapters are, even he can't save this project. Critics and audiences alike agree that Cursed Child's weakest point is its script, which disappoints Harry Potter fans and confuses everyone else.

What made the play a success is its spectacular, magical special effects. When people disappear and reappear onstage, the effect is incredible because you don't see how they could have done it.

In movies, this effect is essentially meaningless. With CGI as advanced as it is, there's not much that can surprise us onscreen effect-wise… and therefore nothing to distract us from a flawed story.

The fact that Columbus is known for his light, child-friendly movies doesn't do anything to help the dark and murky world of The Cursed Child.

Don't pity the dead, Harry. Pity those who live without love, and those who think that two Cursed Child movies are a good idea.